” If you’re looking for a project, get a car to fix up.”
A friend of mine said this while we were having a conversation about friendships + relationships the other day- and its been stuck in my head since.
To be honest, I wish someone had said this to me two years ago…even though I probably would have just smiled and agreed. I sure could have used the perspective though.
I’m all for putting other people first and doing whatever I can to make someone happy and feel loved. Honestly we probably all know that feeling anything less, sucks. For me, when I care about something or someone, I’m all in. There is no in-between and with that, I face a struggle with letting things be sometimes. I pour my heart into something I want and I’ll usually take every challenge that comes along with it. But, you can’t fix everything- and you certainly cannot fix other people.
I always try to see the good in people. I can justify someones actions even when they are repetitive and have no solid ground to be excused, let alone forgiven. I give the benefit of the doubt, over and over. It’s just who I am.
Really, I just hold onto this hope that “I can make it better” or “It’ll get better”.
Truth is though, I can’t and chances are, it won’t get better. And once I come to that realization, I hardly view it as a “them” problem. I take the blame. I put it on myself, that I wasn’t worth it, I couldn’t do enough. I didn’t care enough or try hard enough. I will pick apart every situation and wonder “what could I have done different?“, “how could I have gotten through to them?“, when the issue was never about me in the first place.
Over the last couple years, I’ve had a lot of life lessons to face. A lot of self growth. A lot of finding myself and accepting things for what they were. But the biggest thing I’ve learned, is that you simply can’t make everything better…and that’s okay. It doesn’t always matter how hard you try or how much heart and effort you put into something – it isn’t up to us to fix everything. The only thing we have control over, is ourselves. The only thing we can change, are our own choices. For me, learning to accept that has been a challenge but it has also been a complete blessing.
I’ve come to understand that people are capable of change and growth but only when it’s worth it to them. Only when they are ready. This goes for family members, friends, significant others, all of them. It applies to everyone.
We become better, when we truly want to. We make things right, when it matters to us. When the desire is there. Whether it’s because something worth it, is standing in front of us and it wakes us up, we lose something special or we finally accept our own toxic traits that have been holding us back (and yes, we ALL have them). But other people, are not OUR project. We cannot force someone to grow and change. It isn’t our place and when we find ourselves tangled in this web, it’s hard to get out of.
So, if you’re looking for a project, make it you, not someone else. Put yourself first. Put your mental and physical health first. Your goals and your dreams.
Don’t bear the weight of trying to fix someone else.
-MC
Marilyn Colwell 